Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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