she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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