I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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