i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
