i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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