Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
