I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
