This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
