worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
