In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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