I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
