i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
