I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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