alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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