I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
