Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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