You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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