am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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