My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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