just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
