my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
