Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Randomize
