for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
