I think my fart just growled at me.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize