I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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