I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
