dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
