i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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