I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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