no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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