I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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