i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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