a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
