Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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