Swine flu. Run for my life!
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
