i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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