i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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