Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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