this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
