I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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