I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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