Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
