I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Randomize
