my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
