toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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