she woke up with a sticky ear
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
