Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
