I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
