I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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