I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
