I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
