No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
