i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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