Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
