Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
