i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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