Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
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