Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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