so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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