I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
