Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
