When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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