Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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