No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
