The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
