Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
